Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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