you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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