So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
