Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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