omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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