Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
