every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
