I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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