4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
