I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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