My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
