we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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