Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
