We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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