Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
