Sry I called you an 8
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
