Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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