i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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