I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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