I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Damn victory sex feels great
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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