Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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