Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think i have two assholes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
