Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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