Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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