so that wasnt chicken after all
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
