I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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