I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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