What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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