He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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