You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
