I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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