Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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