Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
