Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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