They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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