i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
