so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
