Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
