even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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