I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
