I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
