Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I need to sanitize my soul.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
