Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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