yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
