i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
