I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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