I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
A+ Viking dick
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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