we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
