why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
