That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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