I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
