My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
