The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
